Author Archives: The Toad in MY Road

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About The Toad in MY Road

A 70 something retired IT Pro looks at life.

Toads Down the Rabbit Hole

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Nearly a month has passed since my last post. Toads depression, binge eating, laziness, lack of discipline, frustration, and anger have taken me down the Rabbit Hole. And Alice and the Mad Hatter are no where to be found! There are no tea parties with fancy cups, splendid gardens, or funny animals.

Just Toad Frustration is attacking from two fronts – work and home. Toad Work Frustration is at an all-time high. My latest project requires me to deal with the most difficult customer I have ever been assigned. Customers always want to the most bang for the buck; I don’t blame them, I do too. But  I have never believed in being a bitch just because I am the Project Manager. It just makes everything associated with the project SO stressful. Do people that act like tyrants and treat others disrespectfully really believe they are effective? And when people jump down my throat, my natural tendency is to jump back! Of course, part of the Work Frustration Toad is mine – I just do not want to do this type of work any longer and cannot wait to retire. I got a taste of retirement several years ago when a work related injury benched me for 14 weeks. Best 14 weeks ever! Other than being able to work remotely when I am not required to be at a customer site, I just do not like the job. I much prefer building things.

Then there is the THE Toad – he is still absolutely no help, having told me he would rather “claw his own eyes out” than help me around the house. To say that hearing this has caused my emotions to spiral out of control would be an understatement. Weekends have been spent eating, repeatedly playing Rivers Elvish (game app on my iPhone), watching TV, and wishing the Toad would just disappear from my life. For the first time in my life, the depression and frustration I have been feeling have been spilling over into work. I have barely been able to do my job. The single thing I have managed to do is log my calories in My Fitness Pal every day. And let me tell you – most days the calories have been in the stratosphere – calories stack up SO FAST! No wonder I have hit a new all time high weight. I cannot blame this on genetics – unless I am somehow genetically predisposed to depression and overeating to drown my sorrows! I think I can truly understand how hard it must be for an alcoholic. I just cannot seem to control my eating. I realize it is emotional eating and that to overcome it, I need to address the emotions. Where to start? How to get there? Many questions; few answers. And never before have I revealed such information in a public forum.

So where to from here? How do I get my Toads back in line and my life back on track?

 

The Frustration Toad

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Frustration, and the things that cause it, seem to run rampant in my life. Frustrations can range from people (both professional associations and personal) to inanimate objects, varying situations, and just life in general. How I deal with those frustrations causes even more frustration. For some reason, I am not one of the calm people that takes everything in stride – Lord I wish I was!  And I do try, but I never seem to quite succeed. Generally my response ranges from &*$%#@! to throwing the object across the room – though the latter has never happened anywhere  but home. It can also include the pitch of my voice raising quite rapidly in conversation and the expression in my hazel eyes changing to one of “mean eyes”, or so my Daughter called them when she was a toddler. My Sister on the other hand takes everything in stride. She will smile and keep going. Her only “tell” is the expression in her hazel eyes – that same “mean eyes” look. However, the remainder of her actions are quite calm, her voice is level, and in the end, she just shrugs it off and moves on. Me, I NEVER just shrug it off. I worry about it, stew about it, and generally let it foul up my entire day. Given my job, I have a LOT of those days. I am always saying “God grant me patience; I want it now!” While I am a lot better than I used to be, that calm, take-it-in-stride trait will never completely be part of my repertoire! For me there will always be that quick trigger, rapid response. Maybe that is part of what keeps me going at 60+ years old, in a job that demands you be always on, always be available, and continuously do more with less. I long for that day when peace and quiet shall reign in my life and frustrations will be a “meh” response. Somehow I suspect I might have to be dead for that to happen.

The Work Toad

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The Work Toad is often a four-lettered word; sometimes it’s actually a happy word but most often it is not. Instead it is just a means to an end. That end is food on the table, a roof over our heads, a vehicle to take us where we want to go, clothes, our children’s well-being, and the chance for a rare vacation. In today’s world of employers demanding ever increasing levels of productivity with fewer and fewer resources, it frequently means 80+ hour work weeks, time spent in airports and on airplanes, missed birthdays, anniversaries, and children’s programs, and a general lack of anything resembling a life. It is commonly referred to as “the daily grind” for a reason. It grinds us down, making us old before our time, and dissatisfied with life.

For some, the Work Toad brings satisfaction, a sense of purpose, and is their life’s calling. They actually love their chosen job. Some of these fortunate few actually achieve some semblance of a work-life balance. Others, do not. However, it is a conscious choice on their part, their job consumes them and they love it. Personally, I think these people need help, but I respect the choice they have made.

For others like me, my job is just that – a job. It is a means to earn money to support my family. I am very competent at my job but it is not a job that I love. I have had a couple of jobs that I truly loved and enjoyed going to work every day. And sometimes I even let it take over my life. But alas, jobs in the IT world change based on market and government conditions. My current job is one of those where no matter how many projects I complete; more is always expected. The work days are long and more often that not, spill into precious weekends and holidays. We are told to take vacations and spend time with family, but only so long as it does not impact the company’s profit margins. On the positive side I earn a very good salary which allows me to provide for my family – not extravagantly, but well above the poverty line.

I will continue this job and the life it provides for another 6.5 years and then I will retire. On that day, I will leave IT and Project Management behind but I will not stop working. You see, in the day of 401K’s being your only retirement and a late entry into the work force, I will have to continue to work to supplement my retirement income. The next job will be for love! Something I truly enjoy. It may not pay much but I will be rich in the satisfaction achieved by doing a job I truly enjoy. I will have finally reached the point that eastern philosophy says “Find what you love and you will never work a day in your life” or something like that. My next job will also be a four-lettered word – LOVE!

A Break from Toads

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Laura

© March 2016. A recreation of a short story originally written by me for a college course in 1981. The paper was lost over the years and is written here from memory.

The first time I met Laura she was wearing blue jeans, a red & white checkered Western shirt, Cowboy boots and a smile that lighted the room. She was tall and slender with naturally blonde hair that fell in ringlet curls around her face. Her bright blue eyes smiled as she said hello. You knew she was a genuinely sweet person the moment you met her. There wasn’t a pretentious bone in her body – what you saw is what she was – friendly to all she met, warm, loving, and full of life.

Laura was the youngest in her family – the baby. However, she was not the spoiled child, as often is the case with youngest or only children. She like to ride horses and wanted a red Corvette. She was saving to buy one some day. She also loved water skiing, spending time on the water at her parent’s lake home, and time spent with family and friends. And she enjoyed her job as a Dental Assistant. Having known her and spent time with her as a friend, I cannot help but think that the patients whom she cared for had their best experience ever at a dentist’s office.

What was not obvious from the bright smile, the zest for life and the care Laura showed her patients was that she had cancer – a brain tumor. She was 18 when she first began experiencing the mind-numbing headaches and nausea that so often accompanies this terrible disease. Doctors originally told Laura and her parents that the tumor was inoperable. However, her parents did not take no for an answer and took their child and their hopes to other doctors. They finally located a neurosurgeon willing to operate on Laura.

The first surgery and subsequent chemo therapy were grueling. Laura’s beautiful blonde curls were shaved before the surgery to allow doctors to remove the malignant mass growing in her brain. After her surgery, when her incision was sufficiently healed, doctors began pumping the poison known as chemo therapy through her thin, frail body. What little of her blonde hair had returned now fell out. Another side effect of the chemo was bloating and water retention that caused Laura’s naturally thin physique to become something resembling a water-filled balloon. For the next several months Laura endured the chemo and its side effects – the loss of her hair, the change in her looks, and the inability to visit friends due to the chemo’s destruction of her immune system. She did all this with thanks, a smile on her face and a positive outlook. Nearly a year after her surgery, Laura was declared cancer free. And once off the chemo, her thin physique returned and her blonde curls began to grow.

Laura returned to her job and her life with her family & friends. She lived her life as any normal person would. She didn’t ask any favors, nor did she expect any. Laura continued to save for her red Corvette and planned her future. She went water skiing, motorcycle riding with her boyfriend, and got on with her life. Her hair continued to grow, her jeans fit again, her big smile was always there, and her zest for life never failed. For the next year, life was good.

Then, almost without warning, the mind-numbing headaches and nausea returned. Doctors confirmed the dreaded news; the tumor had returned. The news was devastating. After the initial tears, anger, and fear subsided, Laura faced the next surgery and chemo with the same determination that she had faced the first. Within a year, Laura had recovered from the surgery, finished chemo and was back at work, celebrating yet another victory.

That victory was short lived however. Within six months the tumor returned. This time for the last time. All the doctors could do was make her comfortable. Toward that end, then removed a section of her skull and installed a shunt to relieve pressure on her brain. The once vibrant and active 21-year-old was now confined to a hospital bed in her parent’s home. Her health failing, unable to even get out of bed, Laura never stopped smiling. Nor did she forget to thank her visitors for coming.

With his youngest child’s life dwindling to an end, Laura’s Father brought home a red Corvette like the one his daughter had wanted and was saving her money to purchase. He carried her to the car and they took a short ride. It was her first and last ride in a red Corvette. Laura passed away a little more than a week later. Her funeral was attended by hundreds from the small town in which she grew up and lived her life. She was laid to rest next to where her parents would eventually be buried.

Though her life was over, Laura lived on in the family and friends who knew her. The memory of her spirit and zest for life reminds us not to give up – no matter what obstacles we face.

The Weight Toad

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Losing weight is such an ordeal. I have tried every diet known to mankind – and failed at all of them. The only time I ever successfully lost weight was on a medically supervised diet in my early 20’s. And I kept the weight off, God only knows how, for nearly 10 years. However, I allowed a new marriage, raising my Daughter, finishing college, first professional level job, Mom’s cancer, the Spouse Toad, and my stupid brain to derail me into a weigh gain that has accumulated for nearly 30 years. At 60+ years of age, the train has to get into reverse if it is to avoid a collision with the Grim Reaper.

So how to stay on track when my brain screams “I want a cookie, I want a donut, I want ice cream, I want, I want, I want” every waking moment of my life. It is definitely a war of the minds – both in the same head, attached to one person – me! I wish I could shoot that brain that is alway screaming “I want”!

My Daughter has successfully lost quite a few pounds using My Fitness Pal (MFP) & exercise. SO, for the past 2 weeks I have been using MFP and logging ALL my food – every last calorie, regardless of whether it takes me over my goal or not. What an eye opener! Calories pile up unbelievably fast! No wonder my ass is so fat! I have found that it is definitely calories in versus calories out.

While I read articles on negative calorie foods and all that, it all comes down to total calories. If I eat more than about 1200 calories a day, I don’t lose. If I eat between 1200 – 1500 calories or so, I pretty much stay where I am. More than 1500, the pounds keep going up. If I add exercise into the equation, then I can eat more calories. Ugh! All this calorie counting drives me nuts, but what are you gonna do? Either I do it and lose the weight or don’t and face the consequences!

And there are consequences, believe me. My Orthopedist says I am facing knee replacement surgery in 3-6 years if I don’t get the weight off. While my blood pressure is still an enviable 110/70, it is up from 90/60 in previous years. So far no diabetes, but I am not sure how or why. I do have high cholesterol but don’t take pills for it because they give me leg cramps. So what to do! Gotta face it & get myself into a regular exercise routine and a healthy, calorie limited eating plan. Tonight this blog has kept me out of the kitchen, reminded me of all the nasty health implications of weight gain, AND turned off that screaming voice in my brain for a short time. My Weight Toad has been moved slightly to the side of MY Road for one night.

Toad’s Come in Many Forms

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I have been doing some deep pondering this past weekend since starting my blog. I mean, you can’t write a blog without something interesting to say. Who wants to listen to continuous rants about the lack of help from my spouse? Besides, why waste energy on being frustrated with the lack of help! I looked at his bank account balance this weekend – I’m hiring a cleaning team and paying for it out of his account!

I also realized that my spouse is not the only Toad in MY road. I have numerous Toads, although he is the biggest and by far the most frustrating. My other Toads are my fault. I get frustrated because of lack of help from him, so I just don’t do anything either. I figure if I let things get bad enough, he will pitch in and help. NOT! So this weekend, I began doing the work myself – slowly & quietly, leaving him to stew in his man cave. No one offered to fix breakfast and lunch / dinner were whatever leftovers he could find in the refrigerator – he HATES leftovers. I noshed on veggies and fruit – not much prep and he doesn’t like them!

MY next truly big Toad is my weight. I cannot blame that one on anyone but myself. Well, maybe my stupid brain too – that little voice in my brain that is always shouting “I want chips, I want sweets, I want …, I want …”. Once in my life, when my Daughter was little, I managed to lose 70+ pounds. I realized that if I did not, I might not live to raise her. I kept my weight down until she was in her early teens. I started gaining back when my Mother was diagnosed with cancer. Now 25+ years after my Mother’s death, I weigh more than I ever have in my life. Well last week, I decided that I have to get this Toad under control. Part of that control, is taking care of me, first and foremost. The male human Toad can take care of himself! Or not, his choice.

Writing this blog gives me time to reflect, take stock and focus on what is important to me. I have spent the past 60+ years being what I was expected to be, working to care for others, and to earn a living to keep a roof over mine & my family’s heads. While I still have to work to earn that living, I will be treating my precious free time much more carefully. I will not take it for granted and I will do things I want to do. And along the way, I may just get rid of some of The Toads in MY Road.

 

Waiting for Spring

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Bunny2

I thought I would share a cute bunny since Easter is only a few weeks away. While snow still covers the ground here, I am ready for spring, the flowers and the wildlife. Not that we don’t have plenty of wildlife around in the winter. There is a deer herd that comes though every night and every morning. Last summer a Red Breasted Robin raised 4 babies in a nest under my deck. Since the deck is above a walk-out basement, I was able to observe the eggs, hatching and growth of the babies. Care was required because a Mommy Robin can be VERY aggressive!

Another day of no help from the Toad. He lives holed up in his “man cave”. On the positive side, I have had a very peaceful day, educating myself on how to build a blog page! Baby steps!

 

 

The Toad In MY Road Begins

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FencelineTonight while IM’ing with my Daughter & complaining about the fact that my retired spouse does almost nothing to help around the house even though I work anywhere from 40-80 hours a week as a Project Manager. Her comment was “he’s a Toad”. My reply was “Yeah, he’s the Toad in MY Road!” I got an LOL back and a comment “that would make a great blog site title”. And so with a recommendation to start on WordPress.com, I have now launched my first ever blog site.

Even though I have worked in IT for decades, I have never done anything like this and really have no clue what I am doing. But this could be fun! And it might save my sanity, if not my marriage!