Tag Archives: frustration

Toads Down the Rabbit Hole

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Nearly a month has passed since my last post. Toads depression, binge eating, laziness, lack of discipline, frustration, and anger have taken me down the Rabbit Hole. And Alice and the Mad Hatter are no where to be found! There are no tea parties with fancy cups, splendid gardens, or funny animals.

Just Toad Frustration is attacking from two fronts – work and home. Toad Work Frustration is at an all-time high. My latest project requires me to deal with the most difficult customer I have ever been assigned. Customers always want to the most bang for the buck; I don’t blame them, I do too. But  I have never believed in being a bitch just because I am the Project Manager. It just makes everything associated with the project SO stressful. Do people that act like tyrants and treat others disrespectfully really believe they are effective? And when people jump down my throat, my natural tendency is to jump back! Of course, part of the Work Frustration Toad is mine – I just do not want to do this type of work any longer and cannot wait to retire. I got a taste of retirement several years ago when a work related injury benched me for 14 weeks. Best 14 weeks ever! Other than being able to work remotely when I am not required to be at a customer site, I just do not like the job. I much prefer building things.

Then there is the THE Toad – he is still absolutely no help, having told me he would rather “claw his own eyes out” than help me around the house. To say that hearing this has caused my emotions to spiral out of control would be an understatement. Weekends have been spent eating, repeatedly playing Rivers Elvish (game app on my iPhone), watching TV, and wishing the Toad would just disappear from my life. For the first time in my life, the depression and frustration I have been feeling have been spilling over into work. I have barely been able to do my job. The single thing I have managed to do is log my calories in My Fitness Pal every day. And let me tell you – most days the calories have been in the stratosphere – calories stack up SO FAST! No wonder I have hit a new all time high weight. I cannot blame this on genetics – unless I am somehow genetically predisposed to depression and overeating to drown my sorrows! I think I can truly understand how hard it must be for an alcoholic. I just cannot seem to control my eating. I realize it is emotional eating and that to overcome it, I need to address the emotions. Where to start? How to get there? Many questions; few answers. And never before have I revealed such information in a public forum.

So where to from here? How do I get my Toads back in line and my life back on track?

 

The Frustration Toad

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Frustration, and the things that cause it, seem to run rampant in my life. Frustrations can range from people (both professional associations and personal) to inanimate objects, varying situations, and just life in general. How I deal with those frustrations causes even more frustration. For some reason, I am not one of the calm people that takes everything in stride – Lord I wish I was!  And I do try, but I never seem to quite succeed. Generally my response ranges from &*$%#@! to throwing the object across the room – though the latter has never happened anywhere  but home. It can also include the pitch of my voice raising quite rapidly in conversation and the expression in my hazel eyes changing to one of “mean eyes”, or so my Daughter called them when she was a toddler. My Sister on the other hand takes everything in stride. She will smile and keep going. Her only “tell” is the expression in her hazel eyes – that same “mean eyes” look. However, the remainder of her actions are quite calm, her voice is level, and in the end, she just shrugs it off and moves on. Me, I NEVER just shrug it off. I worry about it, stew about it, and generally let it foul up my entire day. Given my job, I have a LOT of those days. I am always saying “God grant me patience; I want it now!” While I am a lot better than I used to be, that calm, take-it-in-stride trait will never completely be part of my repertoire! For me there will always be that quick trigger, rapid response. Maybe that is part of what keeps me going at 60+ years old, in a job that demands you be always on, always be available, and continuously do more with less. I long for that day when peace and quiet shall reign in my life and frustrations will be a “meh” response. Somehow I suspect I might have to be dead for that to happen.